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By Lord Nigel Jones
Ah, the magic of the movie set. 'Silence everyone. Cameras rolling. Scene twenty-seven. And....action!'
You can imagine it, can't you? The director barking orders at the gaffer.
The gaffer relaying instructions to the grip. The best boy doing what best boys do best. The sleek, highly-paid stars descending from their trailers and creating cinematic art of the highest order.
Sadly, our film isn't quite like that. Few of the actors and actresses are sleek. None are highly-paid. There is no sign of a best boy - whatever that might be. It's a low budget movie. Admittedly the director does carry on as if he's making a blockbuster, dishing out crazed dictats like Erich Von Stroheim in a strop, but then, that's directors for you.
Some people might think leaping from Parliament to film-making is an odd career move. In fact most MPs are frustrated actors. Watch them in the Commons practising making grand gestures to an audience of six fellow MPs - plus the other six watching the Parliament Channel - and you'll see what I mean. Politics and acting actually demand very similar skills. You learn lines, or policies, and the Commons provides excellent training for the amount of hanging around you do on a film set. And, of course, in both careers you have to deal with public adulation (yes, OK, allow me the indulgence). In the last few months, since my elevation, I have found similar tendencies in the House of Lords.
There are plenty of examples of people who have taken the opposite route, from acting into politics - such luminaries as Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the USA, and our own Glenda Jackson on this side of the pond. There was even a porn actress elected to the Italian parliament. I wonder what her weekly surgeries were like.
But there aren't many who have gone from politics into acting, unless you count Clement Freud, who can do just about anything, or Michael Portillo and Robert Kilroy-Silk who now spend far too much time on our television screens pretending to be serious. One or two MPs who, like me, retired at the last election might join me in front of the cameras. Sir Sydney Chapman could be a sinister spy from Slovakia. Virginia (now Baroness) Bottomley is the obvious choice for a remake of Superwoman. And how I wish Tony Banks (Lord Stratford) was still around to play a benevolent butcher from Balham. He always wanted to be called Lord Banks of the Thames - a perfect title for a movie.
I didn't hesitate when a couple of friends approached me to help them make a film. Dave and Maralyn Reynolds run the Brian Jones Fan Club Cheltenham, a tribute to the wayward Cheltenham lad (no relation) who founded the Rolling Stones. With that kind of input, you might expect the screenplay to revolve around sex, drugs, and rock and roll. The best I can say about our days of filming is that I couldn't possibly comment.
'Waters End' is a Flat Broke Films Production. Dave Reynolds is the director and it's his ambition to enter the finished product into the Short Film category at the Cannes and other Film Festivals in the UK and around the World.. I am not allowed to give away too much of the plot. What I can tell you is that it's about a sentimental journey, a lady on her annual pilgrimage to her late husband's grave. Unfortunately, she meets a few unsavoury sorts en route. Think 'Tales of the Unexpected'.
It's probably just as well I stepped down from the House of Commons at the last election because I play one of the dodgy characters. I am the chauffeur to a member of the landed gentry and drive a rather splendid gold/brown classic 1957 Alvis sports saloon. Off camera, the real owner of the car starts pacing up and down whenever I get anywhere near it. I suspect the insurance premiums are high.
I found learning my lines easy. You just work your way into the role and imagine you are actually the person you are playing. The only problem was deciding which accent to use. I tried being Parker, the dutiful chauffeur of Lady Penelope in 'Thunderbirds'. Then I experimented with the explosive speech of Stanley Birkinshaw in 'Round the Horne'. I even essayed a very Welsh accent as a tribute to my cardiologist who has saved my life on occasions too numerous to mention. But the director didn't feel my ad-libbed 'Look yous' and 'There's lovelys' added a great deal to the part. 'Just be yourself,' he told me in a tone which suggested that I if I didn't he might well hire in a local taxi driver as a replacement and have me marched off the set.
It's true what they say about acting being more hard work than glamour though. On the first day of filming we spent hours driving down a country lane and arriving at a big house (Nature In Art Museum near Gloucester). The director insisted on shooting the same sequence thirty times with cameras in different positions. I nearly ran over one cameraman. He does the distance shots now.
Unfortunately, the steering on the Alvis was not power-assisted so the car was very difficult to manoeuvre. At one stage, it needed a thirteen-point turn in this narrow lane. Thankfully, the cameras were not rolling. The other actors made soothing noises as I struggled with the beast. On that day, all of the action was out in the open with a cold wind blowing. When I got home I was exhausted and frozen. I went to bed, took my heart tablets and slept like a log.
I was a little disappointed that the director didn't even lay on a helicopter to get me to Parliament in time for votes. Perhaps I should have played the prima donna, thrown a tantrum and asked for a bigger trailer. Or I could have demanded my own chef, hairdresser, bodyguard and make-up expert. But 'MP sacked from low budget film' would have been a difficult headline to live down.
My then boss Charles Kennedy reacted positively to news of my acting career. He has this expression which is not exactly a laugh but is an encouraging kind of smile. 'Well I always knew you were a performer,' he declared. Makes me sound like a trick cyclist though I'm sure that as a trusted friend of many years he was trying to be supportive and no doubt looking forward to tickets for the premiere.
During my Parliamentary years I admit I was not a regular at the movies. Being an MP took up nearly all of my time. My favourite film is the old black and white version of 'Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers', the sci-fi classic in which normal, thinking human beings are replaced by doppelganger aliens without individual will or volition. I can't think what it reminds me of. But moving from the Commons to the Lords gives me more time to take a greater interest in films and film-making, and consider other roles.
Was my film experience enjoyable? Hugely. Do I want to go to the Cannes Film Festival? Of course. Would I like to carry on acting? Love to. Who would I choose as my co-star? Halle Berry - such a talented thespian. Mr Spielberg, I'm waiting for your call.
(Lord Nigel Jones of Cheltenham appears in WATERS END as 'Jones', a chauffeur to a Lord (Peter Osborn). Set in the beautiful rural 1960s Gloucestershire, Waters End starts with a steam train journey where we meet Mary (Maralyn Reynolds) who is travelling to Waters End on an annual pilgrimage to her husband’s grave. On the train she meets a wealthy Lord (Peter Osborn) who then offers her a lift in his chauffeur-driven car - who knows what might happen next?
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